Date Everything! is completely bizarre, and there’s so much it gets away with, simply for being so bold and confident in its increasingly strange choices. From premise to execution, it’s a game that defies explanation, yet is so wonderfully riveting with each and every twist. It’s tough to look away, as your world gets weirder and weirder along the way.
The setup here is fairly mundane. You’re a new recruit for some nebulous sort of analytics firm, which immediately goes bust. You’re made redundant on your first day, and then suddenly you get a strange delivery at your door.
What arrives is a pair of glasses that let you see the world in a whole new way. Specifically, they let you see your household objects – including your walls and floors – as physical, human-like beings, most of whom are in the mood for a little romance.
There’s one way Date Everything! could be interpreted.
After losing your job to AI, you’ve had a mental breakdown and are simply screeching at inanimate objects. But there really is no joy in applying logic to this game. You should simply accept your circumstances, and your new life dating objects.
You’ve got no job, and no prospects. You might as well awaken your toilet for a rap battle.
In Date Everything!, it’s all about making the most of your time. You don’t know why you’ve been given magical glasses. You only know their peppy person-self is a delight to be around, and that even if you are going a bit mad, there’s fun to be had in this strange new world.
There’s a loose story to guide your early forays into the game, as you trundle around your (now locked) house, receiving messages of concern from your former co-workers. But mostly, Date Everything! continues in sandbox fashion, so you can explore your home to “awaken” each of your furniture items as you please. It’s all in service of an end state, which sees you “realising” these pieces of furniture – I won’t spoil what this entails – so it’s best to explore widely, get to know everyone, and of course, date everything.
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There is a simplicity in your day to day. You’ll wake up, and have five “charges” to awaken anything you like. Some of your furniture is eager to please, and you’ll be able to turn them to Friendship or Love easily. Others have branching quest lines and complex dialogue to follow, so you’ll need to return on multiple days to fulfil their desires. Sometimes, that requires finding other furniture, using clues delivered by your cell phone (her name is Phoenicia).
Sometimes, it’s about opening all your cupboards and drawers to find a tiny pin, or a packet of dishwashing detergent, both of which actually have really complex feelings, that must be dealt with carefully. If you’re not careful, you’ll strike the ire of your furniture and you could activate a Hate relationship that locks you out of “realising” them.
The joy in Date Everything! comes from analysing each new “Dateable” and figuring out exactly what they would like, and how you should interact with them. I had no real desire to date my toilet, for example, so I wasn’t too fussed on how I approached them. What resulted was a failed rap battle where I performed so disgracefully, my toilet hated me.
But with a lighter touch and patience, I was able to get my anxious stationery to spend time with me, and to have confidence in herself. I was able to romance my tough-as-nails desk, who had been spurned so often they didn’t recognise love when they found it. I was also very enamoured by my door, who came in multiple variants – Front Dorian (the bouncer), Back Dorian, Small Dorian, and Trap Dorian. He was a little bit tougher to warm up, but things certainly got hot before we found a resolution.
It was in Dorian that I found myself enthralled by the simple magic of Date Everything!. It would be a stretch to call this a particularly deep game. It’s essentially a chat simulator, where you’re moving from room to room, activating your furniture, then listening to their chatter (either actively or disdainfully, depending on your attraction). But the further I ventured, and the more cuties I discovered, the more I came to appreciate this game’s carefree approach to romance.
For one thing, the writing supports warm, lovely interactions throughout, with the degree of spice determined by your preferences. If you’re about to chat to a particularly layered individual – you can summon a human version of a sex toy – you’ll get a clear content warning, and the option to skip the interaction. All risky content in Date Everything! is flagged – anything too explicit or strange. You’ll also get the option of accepting or diverting romance, so you’re never put in an uncomfortable position.
My tastes are particularly mundane, and that was one of my main concerns venturing into the game – that I would be forced out of my comfort zone. But the writers have done a deft job of balance, ensuring Date Everything! is fun and flirty when you want it to be, and that you’ve got options to tone it down when you need.
With that reassurance, I was able to spend my time freely, discovering new pals and more-than-pals across my entire virtual house. I particularly enjoyed the dry wit and humour of Dorian, the winding plots of Volt and Eddie, and the denizens of the attic.
Everyone will likely have a favourite Dateable in this game, inspired by personal taste, and a range of excellent performances from some of the top names of video game voice acting. That’s the beauty of this game – it’s a sandbox world of fun and flirtation, where you can get a bit silly and indulgent as you work towards overarching romantic goals.
While the game’s story is applied relatively loosely here, and you may occasionally feel bogged down by reams of dialogue, it’s a wonderful game to explore in bites. By design, it’s very bizarre, but with a wholesome approach and a wicked sense of humour, it’s also a very endearing experience.
Three-and-a-half stars: ★★★½
Date Everything!
Platform(s):
Developer: Sassy Chap Games
Publisher: Team17
Release Date: 17 June 2025
A PC code for Date Everything! was provided by the publisher and played on a Steam Deck for the purposes of this review.
Developer
Publisher:
Team17
